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All I wanted, was to be that kid. The artsy kid. I was it. I WAS the artsy kid, all of middle school. Ninth grade hit, my score was leveled out to zero, and yet, I raised myself pretty good. Was dating one of the top artist in the school, went to art club religiously, had a steady %110 in art class, came to art events, helped set up and dis-mantel, hung with the older kids in the art department .
I had it all, within months. Weeks, even.
Soon, I dumped that person. Lost the friends. Had no one but the art teachers.
She found and didn’t like my etsy, and interrogated me with other art teachers.
So now I really did it… everyone hated me.
My effort went back down to zero. I didn’t even do projects. I hated looking at the teachers and old friends, feeling like a failure… Like I make huge mistakes… Is there such thing as a mistake?
I never attended events, and my grade went down… in ALL classes…
My friends left first, then the teachers just helped boot me out…
I was ready to slice my wrist open again.
They wouldn’t care.
Why should they?…
So I retreated basically… I could never feel like myself again in that school.
That art department was everything to me.
When I lost it, I lost my damn mind.
I left. Now I’m home schooled.

I know I usually sum things up with a happy ending… but I feel things are still only getting worse for me… 
Story’s still going I guess.
See you then…

kelcdanmarie:

life-letters:

dear readers,

Sometimes i cannot write letters, but i can sure as hell right songs. This is a demo, and not a very good one at that. FYI, i did write a letter that goes with this song. My “Dear Ghost” post. This is the song I wrote for that ghost. It is only one song among many.

Why did I make such a big deal out of potentially losing a friend? MY friends mean the world to me. Without the friends I have now, i would have never been able to deal with losing the group of friends I had before. I wish i could even begin to say everything I want to say to each of my friends. THAT’S WHY I’M WRITING THIS BLOG! THAT’S WHY I’M WRITING THIS BLOG!  I’m failing at the follow through a little, but I pop up every now and then. Regardless, I am only a portion of who I am. It seems silly, but i have given a part of myself to each and everyone of my friends (no, not literally silly!), and the idea of someone walking off with a limb I just gave them breaks my heart. No one likes losing someone they care about, right? Losing someone from your life that you are only a little acquainted with is minor, a hairline fracture if you will. On the contrary, losing someone whose name you have embedded under your flesh and into your heart, that’s a pretty big break that is going to involve some major surgery.  Please be aware that at this point I am speaking of no one specific, but in general terms from experiences in my life.

Please be aware at this point, I am done rambling!

-kelc

ps. Hold onto the people you love. You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow.

I’m reblogging this from my Letters Blog, because I’m an attention whore nana naaa na, and because I only have 42 followers on the other one. If you need a kick in the butt to follow me over there, this is it! I’ve been sitting on this song for over two months now. Time for the world to hear.

life-letters:

you feel pretty good right now don’t you?

I know you feel like the world is in the palm of your hands, but i also know when you are going to panic as you feel it slipping. A lot of shit it about to hit the fan.

In a few months, your friend Laura is going to commit suicide. When she sends you a message on myspace, you have exactly two weeks. Do not ignore her response because you are too busy with band stuff. When she says she really wants to talk and catch up, she means it. You will feel guilty forever if you don’t respond.

I know you well, so I know you aren’t going to get around to it.  You’re going to play your first show. Too bad the set isn’t finished, it’s acoustic, and there are a few covers shown in. A man is going to come up to you and tell you that you are going to do amazing things with your voice and that you have been blessed with such a great talent. At this point, you’re going to believe him. You are going to feel so hopeful for this band, and ever so ecstatic…

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kelcdanmarie:

So this is the mysterious song I wrote about last night. The loads of technical problem, spilled soda, etc. The download link is listed below the lyrics, both of which i promised. I will say, this will be the last of my mopey songs for a bit. I write to help rebuild myself, from the inside out. Recording demos of the other songs I have been writing like crazy recently would almost be counterproductive at this point. If I am writing to take steps forward, then reliving them again would be like taking two steps back. I figured for putting up with my melancholy posts as of lately, I could at least give you something you might enjoy out of it. Well, that is all of you that stuck through, the 16 followers I lost are missing out I guess, haha. Au revoir, monster sadness..

I cannot find the words to explain this mess
I’ve made of us by drowning you and I in my own selfishness
I pushed you to your final limit and its breaking through my chest.
Of all the wrong I’ve done, mistakes I’ve made, the worst was
When I left, again and again and again.

I pushed you to your wall, you said “you best not do again
This leaving act, ill leave you fast, now you know where I stand”
And so I did, but still I did, and I could never comprehend
That when I left it’d be my last act, and you would
Pull the curtain, again and again and again

And now I’ve but an empty stage,
A lonely road of which I’ve paved,
With no one but myself to blame,
Low, lonely little girl.
And now I’ve but this empty heart,
It’s broken cells and no new start,
Singing with one sole remark
I’m a stupid little girl.

I cannot fix, I can’t begin to mend all the things I broke.
I’ll reconstruct upon my knees and hope that someday you will show.
And I’ll admit its desperate, but now I know,
That all I need is you so allow me to
Follow through, again and again and again.
Follow through, again and again and again.
I’ll follow through, again and again and again.
I’ll follow through, for you.

Now I’ve but this empty rage,
I kept your love inside a cage,
Trapped and loneliness, engaged.
I’m a horrible girl.
Now all I have is memory,
Of you outside and on your knee,
As you proclaimed your love for me.
I’m such a stupid girl.
Again and again and again I have been,
Such a stupid girl.

Download link : http://www.mediafire.com/?f76fv27q2nqmfw3

BoogieMonsterPlushes’ photostream on Flickr.